


decomposition beauty

by sweetlolixo



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Aoiha theories, Band life, Devastated Aoi acting out, M/M, PSC tries to pull them apart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-12
Updated: 2016-11-12
Packaged: 2018-08-30 13:36:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8535181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetlolixo/pseuds/sweetlolixo
Summary: Well anyway, the person who is on my mind the most is probably Uruha. The kiss ruined everything. The course of the ambiguous relationship between the two guitarists in Gazette over a period of 2005 - 2012.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Fic originally posted onto LiveJournal [here](http://sweetlolixo.livejournal.com/145628.html#cutid1) on Jan 07, 2012.
> 
> Written as a birthday gift for a friend of mine, strings_of_love.
> 
> I tried my best to match up to the events of Aoiha's history IRL, according to theories that my friends and I have developed about their relationship/friendship over the course of the years (disclaimer: these are all just our fantasies, yes.)
> 
> Permanently incomplete / I have no plans to continue this.

_Well anyway, the person who is on my mind the most is probably Uruha._

_Confession._

_circa_. 2005

_It’s time._

“I really like you,” Uruha drops a soft, serious whisper down Aoi’s ears, and the way Aoi’s face reddens and he shakes his head in protest is enough response for the blonde. Uruha laughs, and he lifts a hand to gently ruffle through his rhythm guitarist’s raven black hair, humming sweetly to himself as he does so. Aoi crosses his legs in his seat, embarrassed, and he wonders if Uruha can hear his heartbeat through the tingling of his skin. Aoi holds his guitar tightly close to his chest; he had been practicing soft, melodious harmonization with the blonde just minutes ago, until the blonde decided to get up from his seat abruptly then, and even before Aoi had any time to question his next move; he found the blonde leaning over to his side, pouring over him a serious gaze, his dark brown orbs gazing over to the raven’s surreptitiously.

“Don’t… don’t say things like that.” Aoi looks down furtively, scraping his nails _hard_ against the edges of the guitar unconsciously. He’s so nervous, especially more so these days when the blonde’s been acting just a little more _strange_ than usual, bestowing upon Aoi more compliments and flickering glances more so than normal, and Aoi hates how Uruha can take his heart in a second just like _that_ , and then destroy it so simply after when he realises he’s probably thinking too much again. Aoi hates how teasing Uruha is constantly; how sweet and hush-hush he gets when he intentionally brushes his hands past Aoi’s lap or arm during lives or practices; or maybe when he laughs at Aoi’s jokes for awhile, then stops himself as if he realises he’s not supposed to. And _then,_ he hates how expressive Uruha becomes when they’re alone together, usually during practices, because Aoi knows it’s all just a chance for Uruha to destroy him utterly from head to toe now; because everything Uruha has been doing so far… It was considered flirting, _right_? Aoi doesn’t know how to feel about their relationship, but he just wishes the mental torture to stop plaguing him every day as to how much he meant to the blonde.

But Aoi knows it’s not just him thinking otherwise, now. Because now Uruha is up close to him once again, breathing heavily in his ear, his hands caressing down past the raven again. Aoi wants so much to tell the blonde to _stop_ , to stop _teasing_ him, to stop _using_ him, because Aoi doesn’t know what to think when such a perfect person like the blonde is pouring all his attention to a person like the raven haired, where they paled so much in comparison it _hurt_.

“I like you when you’re nervous,” Uruha lets slip a low chuckle, and Aoi feels himself shivering at the close contact he has with the blonde now, and just how hot his breath feels against his ears. Then he gets serious. “I know it’s not just me, Aoi.”

“No,” Aoi says, with a beating heart, and though Uruha doesn’t specify _what_ , Aoi knows what he means. It’s not just _him_ , because Aoi can feel his heart beating for the blonde, each and every day of their lives, and he can tell Uruha feels the same, now. And Aoi feels like it’s different this time; this time, maybe Uruha wouldn’t just say _things_ , or touch him, and leave him abruptly, dying with burning desires. Maybe Uruha would stay, and maybe he could _show_ him what he _really_ wanted from the raven. Aoi knows he’ll give anything to the blonde, as long as he says the word for him to do so.

“Do you like me, then?” Uruha asks quietly, and Aoi’s almost startled by how timid the blonde sounds suddenly, and how his hands are falling defeatedly from Aoi’s hair to his sides. Aoi feels a heavy stirring in his heart, and he nods quickly, his hands reaching for the blonde’s instead. He watches as the blonde’s brown orbs are now twinkling in wonder, and surprise, and how those eyes that always mesmerised him were now looking to him, at him, _on_ him, and smiling at him.

“I really like you,” Aoi breathes, and in a second he feels a hand cupping his jaw swiftly, his lips falling against the other’s in a graceful heartbeat. He feels the blonde against him, chewing on his lower lip, and Aoi watches Uruha flutter his eyes shut, as if basking in the moment, as if _this_ was what he wanted, and had finally gotten. The blonde’s lips are soft to the touch, and the way they press hesitantly against Aoi’s own ones send shivers down his spine; the raven can’t help but hear his own wild heart race against time, anticipating Uruha’s every next move in the moment, but yet wishing he would stay just for a little while longer. He doesn’t have to think too much, though, because Uruha draws him into his arms quickly, lifting him from his seat and reaching his arms just down below Aoi’s waist, wrapping them around him protectively.

“I think I may love you,” Uruha confesses, his lips leaving the raven’s for a second, still casually brushing against them as he spoke. His eyes are darkening and his gaze flickering; Aoi’s looking to him, unsure, wondering what the blonde has in mind for him. Because sometimes Uruha is _so_ confusing, so complex, and he doesn’t know what the younger man is thinking, and all he can do is guess. “I don’t know what to do, Aoi.”

“I love you, Uruha,” Aoi says, without a thought, and Uruha’s eyes flicker up again in surprise, and utter shock. “I thought you wouldn’t – ”

“I thought you wouldn’t,” Uruha echoes his thought, too, this time sounding more grateful, and relieved, and Aoi finds himself smiling to the blonde’s reply.

“You’re silly,” Aoi whispers, and presses himself into Uruha once more, laying his hand against the taller man’s chest. _I had been waiting_. But Aoi doesn’t say it, and he instead lifts himself up to meet the blonde’s lips again, bending his head and bringing his eyes to a gentle close, lowering his mouth against the lead guitarist’s. This time it’s not just a small peck, because Aoi can feel Uruha loosening his arms and pulling him in again, parting his lips open and bringing the raven into a soft, hesitant kiss.

 _His tongue,_ Aoi thinks, and he feels weak in the knees instantly, loving the warm feeling of Uruha’s dominating his mouth, and he almost gives in momentarily, allowing the blonde to savour every inch of him with his every ounce of control until he can taste Uruha’s so vividly on the tip of his tongue, memorising the way of his scent. Aoi can taste the bitter, rusty taste of the metal of his lip ring over and over again as Uruha traces his tongue over it, and brings it to his mouth. Uruha nibbles gently at his lip, and Aoi hears slight murmurs of how much it turns the blonde on, but he doesn’t take notice of them as he slinks further into the kiss, weak, and produces soft, audible moans when the bitter pain strikes him. Aoi brings his palms up to the back of Uruha’s head, running his fingers through the blonde’s smooth hair, pressing him further against him, and he shivers for a second more when he feels their hips meeting one another’s; and their thighs too dangerously close to each other. At the rate that things were keeping up, he knew he wouldn’t be able to resist himself in no time. Because now Uruha’s hands are tight and sweaty, and gripping Aoi _too_ near him, and their kiss is getting heatier by the second. When Aoi lets slip another conscious moan from the back of his throat, he feels the blonde kiss him harder, and even as he threatens to pull away for air, the blonde won’t let him.

Aoi pinches the sides of Uruha’s hip playfully, and he laughs when the guitarist jerks back in surprise. Uruha shoots him a questioning, amused look, but before Aoi can decide what to do next, he finds himself being pushed back against the wall next to him, the blonde’s teeth nipping at his neck in no time. Aoi squirms; the very motion and thought of Uruha’s teeth bruising him too much for him to take. Aoi feels helpless and thoughtless under the blonde’s touch, and he trembles when the blonde reaches a hand under his shirt to trail over his flat stomach; his fingers playing with his navel piercings, admiring the way the cold metal feels under them.

“Did I mention I love your piercings?” Uruha murmurs quietly, thrusting his pelvis against Aoi as he does so. “Fuck, you look _so_ hot with them.” His hands are still roaming around Aoi’s abdomen, stroking them and feeling up the soft skin of Aoi’s greedily, and as his palms reached past to caress up his chest, he lifts his other hand to conveniently tug at the hem of the raven’s shirt, pulling it over him, tossing it and discarding it against the ground beneath them.

“Fuck,” Aoi hisses, when Uruha slams him against the wall again and puts him in place. His chest is bare and naked now, his shoulders shivering and cold, and his skin sensitive to the core of the blonde’s touches. He can feel Uruha’s fingers trailing over the curve of his nipples, and he wonders how much he’s dreamed of the lead guitarist’s touch on him like this, guiding him in his usual sensual manner. With every pinch and twirl of Uruha’s finger against him, strangled echoes of whimpers escape his mouth quietly, and he feels the blonde lowering his lips against his hardening nubs, kissing and sucking hard at them until the full pinkness of his nipples turn horribly bruised and red. Aoi gasps, and he presses into the blonde, feeling the harsh rubbing of their clothed erections together as Uruha’s tongue begins leaving trails of wet saliva up and down the nape of his neck, noting briefly the prominent red mark he had created earlier on at the sides. The blonde is chuckling softly up to him, his head snuggling into the raven’s neck, their hips pressed into one another.

“You’re hard, babe,” Uruha points out, pressing his thigh against the rhythm guitarist’s teasingly, and Aoi blushes, turning his head away instantly. “Do you want me to solve that for you?”

“N-No,” Aoi is quick to refute, but he sees that glint in the blonde’s eyes and he _knows_ what he’s going to do, and though he shakes his head in protest he knows that he wants this, so _bad_.

In the next moment, he finds the beautiful guitarist down on his knees, his hands tugging at the tip of the raven’s jeans. Aoi’s cupping his hands over his face, abashed, and he looks away, his cheeks turning crimson red. He can’t help but admire the blonde, though, wondering if this was truly _happening_. Uruha looks up to the raven once more, giving him a smile, before reaching his fingers tentatively up to loosen the zipper and unbutton Aoi’s pants off. Uruha pulls them down roughly up till Aoi’s thigh, exposing his hardening cock under his briefs, but Aoi doesn’t have time to feel too exposed nor look away again; at least not before he finds himself gripping hard at the wall behind him when the blonde’s lips finally lower themselves upon his length.

Uruha chuckles when he observes the raven fidgeting already, feeling uncomfortable under the blonde’s intense gaze and sensitive control. The blonde briefly relaxes his mouth, feeling the raven’s cock bump against his throat, having it glide down smoothly past his lips. He gives a long lick first, and as he sees Aoi arching his hips in pleasure, he feels the own material of his pants growing tight. Taking Aoi fully into his mouth now, he begins sucking long and dutifully hard at it, immersing himself further with every groan and hiss Aoi lets slip out, his hands desperately clawing at the poor wall behind and his fingernails digging and scratching. He bobs his head up and down quickly, devouring the raven’s throbbing length, sucking and swirling his tongue carefully around the head.

“Uruha,” Aoi cries out, when he feels the blonde fastening his pace, his tongue flicking wildly against the head, dipping it into his slit, and curling around his cock. He muffles his cries, his eyes easing shut, trying to deny the overwhelming pleasure he was feeling from the blonde right now. Aoi bucks his hips up slightly, though, filling himself deeper inside of Uruha’s mouth, and he begins breathing in a rhythmic pace, trying to pace his pants as delicately as possible as Uruha pleasures him wholesomely with his tongue, dragging it from base to tip, leaving wet traces of licks against the side of his cock. He can feel himself reaching his release in no time; just Uruha’s presence alone was enough for him to reach that; and now with him down on the ground, before him, sucking him off… Aoi tries to contain his cries, and he realises he doesn’t want to come just yet; at least not without Uruha _in_ him yet.

“Uruha, stop,” Aoi pleads out, though his body said otherwise, and the blonde’s eyes looks to him, confused immediately. Was he doing something wrong? But Aoi shakes his head, and as much as he _didn’t_ want to… his hands reached for Uruha’s hair, gently tugging at the ends to pull him off his cock.

“Is something wrong, sweetheart?” Uruha says, licking his lips as he pulls away from him. Trails of saliva and precum were falling down the sides of the blonde’s mouth now, his lips swollen and red, and Aoi finds himself strangely turned on by such a dirty side of the blonde. He coughs though, smiling dazedly to himself when he realises what an embarrassing thought he’s harboured.

“I want it with you,” Aoi admits, and he’s blushing again, when Uruha’s quizzical face morphs into understanding.

“Okay,” Uruha laughs, and he almost gets up on his feet and pushes Aoi into the wall once more, until Aoi shakes his head and gestures for him to stay on the ground.

“You’ve done enough pleasuring me for today, I want to do the same for you.” Aoi says softly, and lowers himself to the marble floor, averting the curious gaze of the blonde as he stared at him. “You… you can watch me.”

“Watch you?” Uruha sends another questioning look, but in no time Aoi’s already down on the floor with him, crawling above Uruha’s limp body, his thighs pressing against Uruha’s ones, and forcing his mouth against the other’s once more.

“Lie down,” Aoi orders, and Uruha complies, but he still aggressively takes control of their kiss anyway, bringing his hands up to grip at the raven’s hair to him. They crash their mouths against one another, sucking long and hard at each other, bruising their lips from the force of their kiss. Uruha shivers when Aoi brings his hand trailing down his clothed chest and to the middle of his pants, caressing his bulge painfully and slowly.

“You’re hard, too,” Aoi grins, and he holds Uruha’s clothed erection through the thin material within his grasp, feeling it up, and feeling his own cock twitching at the thought of _this_ being inside of him. At the same time, he pushes his own naked cock against the blonde’s clothed one, moaning as he rubs themselves against each other.

“Mmmf,” Uruha groans into the kiss, when he feels the rhythm guitarist’s hands growing increasingly hot and quick right at the sensitive spot of his pants, and he’s almost arching his thighs into the raven’s hands, urging him to go further and faster. Aoi can tell what he wants; and in a second, his hands fondle at the zipper, and pull his naked cock out from underneath. Aoi is almost giddy with the package he sees; veins throbbing, head twitching, flesh trembling, precum leaking. _Fuck,_ he’s dreamt of this moment far too many times to ruin it. Aoi breaks apart from the kiss abruptly, trying to ignore the burning sensation in his lower abdomen, and Uruha almost whines as he lowers his head back down unto the floor. He eases his eyes close instead and gapes his mouth wide open; unable to sustain the loud groans escaping from his lips, feeling Aoi’s cold palms closing in on the sides of his cock and rubbing at him incessantly and desperately.

“I can’t wait to fuck you,” Uruha grunts, his voice turning out raspy and rough; he feels Aoi’s intense gaze watching him, scrutinising him, albeit done in a shy manner. “You can’t believe how many times I stroked myself to thoughts of _you_ – ”

The raven’s cheeks redden again, and he tries to concentrate on pleasuring the blonde once more, before ultimately preparing himself for intrusion. “Me too,” Aoi confesses shyly, and his grasp leaves the blonde, deciding impulsively to bring his hands to his lips to suck at them quietly. He can taste the distinctive taste of Uruha’s fluid entering his mouth, and he finds himself moaning as he sucks harder at his digits, trying to immerse his mouth more with the addictive substance of Uruha’s.

Uruha watches the raven with deep fascination, finding himself growing more aroused as the seconds pass when Aoi shows just how much he’s in love with tasting Uruha off his own fingers. Aoi’s eyes briefly glance over to Uruha’s throbbing cock guilty, and decides he shouldn’t leave the blonde lying like this while he’s off to entertain himself. So – still sitting on Uruha’s thighs – he lowers his own cock against Uruha’s one, and as they meet; both the blonde and the raven groan in unison. Aoi bucks his hips and straddles Uruha’s ones, his moans growing increasingly louder by the decibel as their flickering cocks rub at each other _hard_ and quick in the air. They continue like this for seconds longer, until their groans fade off quietly into the silence.

“I’m going to prepare myself,” Aoi speaks softly in between his moans, when he decides it’s time and when the friction gets too much for him to take. Uruha nods, watching desperately once more as the raven draws apart from the blonde and settles back onto the floor beside him. He spreads his legs slightly, still a little self conscious and abashed, and Uruha watches with his tongue tingling, licking his lips with _want_ and arousal at the image of the rhythm guitarist exposing himself like that. Aoi lowers his wet digits down, prodding them against his entrance tentatively, until they disappear beneath inside of him. He whines when he feels the first push; the first finger inside his hole, trying to wring it past rings of muscle, muffled cries and whimpers escaping him like an inexperienced little girl. He thrusts his finger deeper, stretching himself wider, and as his body slowly relaxes and accustoms to it, he prepares the second finger; quickly pushing it inside of him, curling it and circling it round inside of him.

“Nnnnghh…” With another audible moan, he begins scissoring himself, his eyelids half part and drifting in and out of consciousness as he feels the pleasure hitting him at all the right spots. He can’t wait for Uruha’s cock to fuck him like this already, and it’s with this thought that reminds him the blonde is still waiting for him. With a whine, he loosens his fingers, and draws them out.

“Lie down,” Aoi repeats his command from before, and the blonde nods silently, deciding to listen to the flustering raven. In a second, Uruha feels the rhythm guitarist climbing atop him once more, straddling him and crashing his hips down unto his. Impatiently, Aoi pushes himself down against the blonde’s twitching cock, and he lets slip a _loud_ moan when he feels Uruha slide easily into him, his muscles contracting and tightening around Uruha’s length. The blonde can’t contain his grunts as well, and he watches as Aoi rolls his hips, whimpering as he begins riding the lead guitarist quickly, lifting himself and pushing himself down again _and_ again against Uruha. He’s going at an erupted pace now, feeling Uruha’s large cock filling him up completely, speeding up more as the sounds of their heavy panting fill the empty silence.

“So tight,” Uruha groans, and he arches his back and hips into Aoi, thrusting his cock inside of him desperately. He can feel Aoi tightening around him by the _second_ , and the raven whimpering accordingly to their rhythmic pace. Eyelids half part, he watches the raven throw his own head back as their pace heightens, and the quiet cries that Aoi has been keeping to himself morphing into whorish moans and vocalized thoughts, the raven unable to control himself any longer.

“Fuck me, fuck me, fuck _me_ …” Aoi whispers harshly, and Uruha doesn’t know if Aoi is speaking to him any longer, or just heightening his senses. “Fuck your big cock inside of me, ‘ruha…”

The raven’s words only tempts him and feeds his ego more, and Uruha reaches up his hands to grip the sides of Aoi’s hips, guiding him down against him _faster_ with every thrust. He admires the way the raven looks, his nipples flushing and his chest gleaming with sweat, his navel piercing glistening and looking _too_ delicious for him to take. His dark hair dishevelled and sticking wetly to his face; his lips biting erotically and painfully to himself, his cheeks blushing and his eyes shut close. Shoving himself more ruthlessly against Aoi, he grins with satisfaction when he hears a loud, harsh scream escaping from the raven’s lips immediately, and he realises he’s probably found the sensitive spot inside of Aoi. When the blonde arches for the second time into Aoi and he watches the raven tremble into a quivering mess, he knows he’s got _it_ , and he continues moving against him in repeated thrusts, meeting the raven’s prostate too easily now.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Aoi sobs, suddenly, and he almost slows down, but Uruha prevents him to, digging his nails tightly at the sides of the raven’s thin waist. “I don’t think I can hold on any longer – ” Aoi cries out, flickering his eyes open, cupping his palms over his lips and darting his eyes frantically to the blonde’s. Uruha brings a hand carefully to the tip of Aoi’s trembling cock, where he’s leaking already, and curls his hand against the head, pumping Aoi slowly to his release. Aoi hisses, keeping his cries to himself, still riding Uruha in an erratic pace. “’ruha! When you do this, I – ” Another strangled moan escapes past his lips, and Aoi resists the urge to roll over, his knees slowly growing weak and helpless. “I… I can’t – ”

“Aoi,” Uruha groans, and his other hand digs into the raven’s stomach tighter, long fingernails leaving obvious red marks that only serve to taint Aoi’s white, milky skin and turn the blonde on further. Looking up, the blonde observes just how bruised Aoi’s lips have turned, from all the constant biting the raven’s done in the past hour, his mouth abused-looking and red.

“Uruha,” Aoi breathes, and he’s moaning even louder than ever now, his raw hole tightening the walls and wrapping around Uruha’s cock each time he slams down against him. “Oh, _oh_ … Nnngh…” Aoi cups his lips again, as if he’s embarrassed to be seen this way, but the blonde decides he’s had enough of it, and he reaches his empty hand out to slap those palms away.

“Moan for me,” Uruha orders, his eyes darkening and piercing through Aoi’s. “Tell me how much you love me and my cock fucking you.”

“I…” Aoi’s voice hitches nervously, and he moans Uruha’s name loudly a second time when he feels his spot being graced yet again, his full lips producing heavy breaths and muttering silent vulgarities under his breath, futilely trying to keep the pleasure under control. “ _Fuck_ … Fuck…” As Uruha’s hand jerks at Aoi’s cock once more, the raven finds himself crying and shrieking finally for the blonde to take control of him, to overwhelm his senses and ride him harder.

“Faster,” Aoi cries out, straddling the blonde increasingly quicker by the minute, and Uruha watches the sheens of sweat trailing down the sides of Aoi’s flushing cheeks, the way they trickle down his jaw and fall against his neck. “Harder, _rougher_ , I’m such a _bad_ slut for you, ‘ruha, _fuck_ … Fuck – ” As Uruha pushes into his prostate one last time, Aoi screams a second time, arching his back and parting his lips as he doubles over in pleasure.

As his orgasm crashes against the raven overwhelmingly, Uruha holds Aoi in place with his hips, before he can fall over in blurred senses, his eyes fluttering shut weakly and his legs turning limp. Cum splatters against Aoi’s stomach, staining him in a mess, and Uruha follows soon quickly, his cock throbbing and spilling forth the hot fluid inside of the raven’s hole.

“Uruha,” Aoi whimpers, and he’s falling over again, his sweaty body falling swiftly against the blonde’s chest, his body horribly stained as warm liquid seeps down from the inside of his thighs. Uruha pulls out his limp cock from within him, and hushes the raven as he crawls up into the blonde’s grasp, wrapping his arms around Aoi against the cold marble floor.

“I love you,” Aoi cooes in a soft whisper, and that’s all he says before he shuts into a deep sleep, tired.

All the blonde does is remain there and stroke past the raven’s black hair until late morning, and prepare himself for a scolding from Ruki later about band meeting punctuality.

~

The next morning, when Aoi wakes up in Uruha’s arms by the bedside, he feels his heart racing and his mind boggling. The blonde is awake by now, already taking slow puffs from his cigarette and staring contemplatively off into space, long waiting for the sleeping raven to wake up. Aoi lays his head against the crook of Uruha’s neck, admiring the way the blonde’s strong arms fit nicely around his shoulder and the way the curve of their bodies fit against each other’s spaces. Lifting his legs over Uruha’s thigh, he moves in closer to the guitarist and plants a kiss against the blonde’s jaw, trailing butterfly kisses lovingly down his nape. Uruha just smiles briefly, his fingers loosening the hold of the cigarette, reaching instead to run through the raven’s hair and kissing the tip of his forehead.  

“Good morning,” Aoi purrs teasingly, fluttering his eyes close once more and snuggling up against the taller man.

“Good morning, darling.” Uruha grins, and he brings the raven’s lips against his once more.

~  
  
“Is there something going on between the both of you?”

Their band members are quick to take notice of the way Uruha laughs and smiles at Aoi, their fleeting touches where their hands brush against each other, and the way the raven seemed to be grinning dazedly to himself constantly, his attention constantly fixated onto the blonde. And maybe their relationship isn’t that hush-hush anymore, when Uruha picks up his guitar by the side, strolls across the room to Aoi’s side and bends down to give him a lingering kiss in front of the rest of Gazette in the practice room.

Aoi’s blushing again, and he’s smiling softly, caught in a conscious dilemma of returning the blonde’s kiss or drawing apart to meet the gawking of their other band members. _Honestly_ … He hadn’t expected the blonde to reveal their relationship status too soon, but then he guesses he himself couldn’t wait, either.

“Since when did _this_ happen?” Reita’s the first to squeak out, eyes falling over the two guitarists and breaking into conscious laughter. “Wait… I _knew_ this was going to happen.”

“Nothing,” Aoi answers nervously, at which Uruha chuckles lowly at, and removes his lips from the raven’s to take a seat at the side. “Just… just…”

“Awww, this is so _adorable_ ,” Kai’s cooing already, eyes sparkling as he observes the two guitarists in love. “I always knew you both liked each other. How perfect!”

“Just as long as it doesn’t affect your work,” Ruki chips in, and Kai shoots him an accusing glance instantly. What a bummer, the drummer mutters under his breath, but the lead singer does nothing but shrug, digging his hands into his pockets nonchalantly. “You know we still have to be professional, _right_? Otherwise…”

“Of course,” Uruha answers, but there’s a way to how Ruki speaks that is un-nerving, and Aoi’s worried immediately. He was afraid of the band members’ responses, but more so of Ruki’s, because he knows their friend is more strict and uptight than any one else, and he’s afraid of letting him down with the professionalism of his work _if_ it were to be ever affected. Relationships weren’t banned under their band contract, but Aoi guesses their management never would have guessed the possibility of any of them hooking up. Aoi can’t help but feel slightly worried when he realises just how severe their relationship may start affecting Gazette now, but he tries not to think about it when the blonde leans in for another kiss.

Because now he has Uruha by his side, so nothing can ever go wrong, _right_?

 _Oh_ … but Aoi hadn’t expected there was more to come.  
  
~

_decomposition beauty_

_circa. 2007_

_I felt like I was getting married_.

Aoi doesn’t even have time to compose himself before Uruha takes him in a swoop, plastering his lips against the other’s quickly. Aoi’s told Uruha countless of times to _stop_ – well, just stop kissing him on stage _that_ much in general, because he knows just how much Ruki doesn’t like it when they do it in public, nor did management like it that much either, but try as they may; disapproving of their relationship was the most they could do; they couldn’t ever separate the two guitarists apart. _Just try to tone it down on stage_ , they had alerted the guitarists; _fanservice is good, just not too much, not enough for the fans to know what’s going on._

Well, their advice usually fell on deaf ears, because on stage, all the two guitarists ever did was look at each other, and laugh when they get too close for a split second, and strum their guitars to the same melodious harmony their hearts belonged in. Aoi can’t help but smile to himself each time when Uruha scoots over with his guitar, grinning that same crazed grin he always has on his face when he sees Aoi, and leans in just a little bit _too_ close for comfort when playing their harmonization parts together. Aoi likes the way they play music to the beat of their hearts; and sometimes to the knowing manner when Uruha smirks and looks to the raven that Aoi _knows_ he’s going to be fucked _hard_ later in the back of their dressing room.

They usually tried to keep it toned down on stage, but sometimes there were hits and misses, too. Like this time. Uruha leaning in to Aoi again, and catching his lips in a second. _You’re mine_ , Uruha whispers softly, his mouth brushing past Aoi’s bruised lips, before claiming them and licking at his lower lip, _even_ slipping his tongue in teasingly in for a second.

_I did it because Aoi looked too cute then._

Aoi was left speechless, stumbling, his fingers missing the occasional few beats on his guitar then, gazing helplessly back at the fading, prancing figure of the blonde’s as he withdrew from the raven, the kiss disappearing as quick as it came.

_I felt like I was getting married._

Smiling softly to himself, the raven raised a hand up to his lips, lingering at the spot where the blonde kissed. Suddenly all the warning bells, all the worrying thoughts of what people thought of them then and there _didn’t_ matter at all; he was just _so_ desperately in love with Uruha, and he loved the way the blonde showed it to him constantly.

~

They’re fooling around behind the closed doors of the dressing room again, laughing as the blonde presses the raven up against the mirror counters, their hips pressing against each other, their lips against one other’s, their tongues devouring each other’s in a competitive dance.

“You shouldn’t have kissed me on stage like that,” Aoi pouts, in between their exchange of kisses, and Uruha shakes his head, quirking an eyebrow to the rhythm guitarist.

“Oh? You didn’t like it?” The blonde teases, and he presses his mouth against the side of Aoi’s lips once more. “I thought you did.”

“I _did_ …” Aoi murmurs, cheeks flaming, turning his head to the sides. “But the others don’t like it, you know that.”

“They can’t control us,” Uruha says softly, rubbing his nose playfully against the other’s. “They can’t take me away from you.”

Aoi’s heart flutters along to his words, and he nods, feeling Uruha’s cold arms snake gently around his waist, bringing him closer in unto his chest. A sense of comfort lulls his senses immediately, and the raven isn’t that frightened of the consequences anymore. He loves how the blonde can do just _that_ , excite him so simply with the snap of a finger, drive him to do reckless and crazy things, then soothe his worries down in a second with just a gentle touch from him.

“Uruha, the manager’s looking for you.”

There’s a familiar, cold voice beckoning outside of their dressing room, and Aoi’s heart stills in an instant. It’s Ruki, and he doesn’t sound too happy at all.

“I bet it’s because of the kiss,” Aoi whispers worriedly, but Uruha shakes his head, and plants another soft kiss on his forehead. “I’m _so_ sorry, ‘ruha…”

“You didn’t even do anything,” Uruha laughs, his hand petting the top of Aoi’s head lightly with an amused look. “Look, I’ll come back soon, alright? Maybe you should finally get changed out now. I promise everything will be fine, okay?”

Aoi isn’t too convinced, but he nods anyway, trying to put on a grateful smile for the blonde for what is to come to him. “See you later,” the raven bades goodbye to Uruha reluctantly, giving him a last squeeze on the shoulders before letting him go.

He watches Uruha disappear behind the doors, leaving his sight for the second time today, and listens to the careful beating of his heart, trying to calm himself down and reassure himself that everything is going to be okay. He almost succeeds, taking his mind off those matters, reaching for his casual shirt and pants at the side to change into. Because before he knows it, Uruha will be back to his side again, and they’ll be snuggling up to each other at night till late morning after, _right_? Uruha’s going to be fine, Aoi reassures himself. We’re going to be fine.

But then Uruha never came back after that.

~

**one year later**

_circa. 2008_

_For some reason, Uruha has been kind of distant to me lately. I don't know if it's because I'm older or because we both play guitar or what._

“Hey… Uruha?” Aoi waits patiently for the phone to dial, pacing his apartment back and forth as he holds the phone tightly to his ears. He realises – just today – that he hasn’t called the blonde in ages, and _well_ , he needed to just hear his voice again, to tell him and reassure him that things were going to be okay.

He had lost Uruha a year ago, when the blonde had cut off all contact to Aoi directly, and for no particular reason _at all_. Aoi can still remember the horrible, lonely nights of pure devastation, crying silently to himself in his empty room, an empty bed, and empty arms to crawl into. Aoi can’t help but feel it directly connected to that fateful night of the kiss; when things started changing since then. Because Uruha promised him things would have been fine, and then left him in that dressing room alone, and then he hadn’t come back to meet Aoi, nor did he fulfil any of his “it’ll be alright”s to Aoi. Aoi’s disheartened enough, but the one thing that broke him completely was how Uruha hadn’t bothered to make any direct contact with him since then. He hadn’t bothered to come over, to look at the raven in the eye anymore, to even _say_ or explain why, or anything. He hadn’t even _bothered_. He couldn’t even do that for him.

So Aoi had sucked it up, and decided to keep the tears only to himself. If Uruha was going to pretend like nothing ever existed between them, he would be fine with that, too. He would be _very_ fine. As fine as the blonde appeared to be.

Maybe _they_ told him something. Aoi placates himself constantly, choosing to believe that the blonde hadn’t abandoned him out of his own will. _They_ probably did. No one liked us together, no one ever did. Maybe Ruki made him leave me, Aoi thinks, trying to look for someone to pin the blame on. But he knows he can’t ever possibly bring himself to hate on his lead singer, _but_ he doesn’t know what else he can place the blame on. He doesn’t know anything, but everyone’s left him in the dark, _even_ Uruha, the one that said no one would take him away from him. The one that…

Aoi eases his eyes shut, and looks to the phone desperately, again. He wants _so_ badly to just hear Uruha speaking to him again, and _properly_ , too, none of that ‘guitarist obliged discussions’ they had in their practice rooms.

_Of course, when we're working we talk a lot. But normally we don't. That sort of bothers me._

“Hello?” Uruha sounds almost disinterested over the phone, his voice low and tired, just one of the things that had changed drastically about the blonde over the year. He had been reduced to this quieter, lonesome person Aoi had hardly known. Or maybe it was just him to Aoi. Maybe it was just him.

“Uruha?” Aoi calls out for him softly, nervous, and half praying that the blonde will not hang up on him. There’s a brief silence on the phone line, at which Aoi’s heart races at, before he receives a disgruntled reply again.

“What?” He sounds annoyed, and the raven feels guilty for calling him instantly.

“Did I bother you? I… um…” Aoi stutters, gripping the phone harder into his hands, squeezing his eyes shut in hesitance. He’s memorised his perfect excuse umpteenth times before; yet now that he was _really_ on the line with the blonde, he finds himself unable to utter his reasonings out. “I…. uh… am having problems with my digital cable. Could you… um… teach me? Or… come over?” – was that too much to hope for? – Aoi ceases his breath.“ Or… _something_?”

“You should just ask the electrician,” Uruha replies simply in a shot, and suddenly all the anticipation before vanishes, and Aoi feels shamefaced instantly.

“Oh… right.” Aoi says, numbly, his heart falling rapidly down, his stomach churning in bitter sadness. “Right, I’ll do that, ‘ruha… Thanks.”

“Mmm… Bye.” The blonde doesn’t even wait for a response, before the phone line cuts off hastily.

Aoi tries hard to numb his feelings, but he can’t control that one lone tear trickling down the right side of his cheek, all his hopes crashing swiftly down.

_Well anyway, the person in Gazette who is on my mind the most is probably Uruha._


	2. Chapter 2

_circa. 2008_

_Eh? Well, I think I'm different than how they picture me. They think I'm really serious...._

They’re rehearsing one of their more emotional pieces again, _Chizuru_ , something Aoi secretly loved, something that Uruha had composed awhile back; a tune that was so foreboding, a melody too overwhelming. The lyrics are particularly affecting, but not in the way the song was intending for him to feel. Aoi can’t keep his eyes off the blonde standing at the side, swaying lightly to the soft beats, his eyes closed in a trance and his fingers plucking at the guitar slowly in a rhythmic pace. Ruki’s voice is picking up speed now, overpowering in the background, but Aoi can’t concentrate on that. His fingers distract themselves with their intended strumming, but the raven’s mind is all over the place, and he can’t see nor hear anything else but Uruha, and he hates it when he’s reduced to _this_ even just during band practices. Because the blonde doesn’t even offer him a glance, much less a second one, and Aoi wonders if he can feel Aoi’s eyes on him, the whole time, or maybe hear the silent words Aoi’s dying to speak to him from across the room.

Aoi doesn’t even hear the door bursting open until Uruha’s eyes snap open, his head turning to the door, his face slightly contorted in annoyance at having his _moment_ interrupted. Ruki’s even more disconcerted; he’s lowered the microphone down, planted his hands on his hips, his mouth in a grim line. _This better be important_ , the shorter blonde is seen rolling his eyes, casting a look to the fiery looking manager standing by the door. The bassist in the middle looks equally bewildered by the sudden intrusion, placing his instrument down against the amp lightly next to him.

“Is anything the matter?” Kai’s gotten up from his seat immediately, wiping his hands casually down his pants, sweat dripping, hands still slightly shaky from the furious drumming before. As the band leader, he’s expected to burden all – if not most – of Gazette’s responsibility, and usually the manager discussed things with him before it went through anyone else. Looking to the manager worriedly, he wonders why he’s here today, knowing that Gazette usually held their band practices at this timing, and it was standard knowledge not to interrupt or face Ruki’s wrath.

The whole room has gone silent, and the atmosphere is tense beyond reason.

“Kai, Aoi, out, _now_.”

The door slams back shut, and the rhythm guitarist looks to the drummer, his jaw gaping. _Huh_?! Aoi wasn’t usually called out. Did he do something wrong? All eyes have fixated on the raven, _even_ Uruha, and as the blonde sends a piercing look to him, Aoi meets his eyes briefly for a second before looking back down to his guitar. _Even he was judging me_ … Aoi’s shaken beyond core, his heart thumping fast, and he wonders what’s wrong, and most of all, he wonders what Uruha was thinking of him now.

“Hey, Aoi, let’s go.” Kai’s descended from the steps, strutting quietly to the raven’s side, and when he sees that the guitarist has stiffened into shock, he lets out a sigh and tugs at his arm, pulling him to the door. “It’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

“This is weird,” Aoi murmurs, and he allows himself to be guided to the door, Kai’s hand still enclosed around his upper arm. He passes by the blonde, and he wonders if it’s just him – or whether Uruha’s eyes had _really_ narrowed into slits, darkening into contempt as he laid his eyes upon Kai and Aoi’s body contact. Aoi doesn’t know why, but Uruha’s look is enough to send his heart spiralling, his knees tingling, and he pulls back from Kai, offering to walk by himself instead. The door barely closes when Aoi hears the first two words the blonde’s spoken to him in ages.

 _Good luck_.

~  
  
 _Angry guitarist during live, is something happening in PSC?_  
  
Aoi’s shown his temper again and again for the third time this live…

_Emotional and aggressive Aoi, rumors of Gazette breaking up?!_

“Will _someone_ explain to me these reports?”

Aoi blinks, staring at the printed reports laid out across the table. Oh, so it was for _this_? The raven holds back a yawn, this was _nothing_ compared to the high he had gotten from Uruha’s words minutes before. _Good luck_. What did that mean? He doesn’t try to hide the smile playing by his lips. Was Uruha initiating conversation with him again? Maybe they could start talking more, and not reduce themselves to silence _even_ while practicing harmonisation together. Maybe if he could feel those lips against him one more time…

“You know, rumors of Gazette breaking up haven’t gotten so bad, till _now_. Why do you think there is a need for me to call you out on this?”

“Sorry,” Kai apologises profusely, bowing his head slightly to the manager. Aoi’s eyes flicker to him, looking to him strangely – why was Kai _bowing_? – until he snaps out of his daydream of Uruha’s arms around his and proceeds to bow along with the brunette.

“Things weren’t this bad before the _kiss_ ,” The manager barks, and Aoi freezes at the mention of _that_. The kiss? What about the kiss? Because it had been the kiss that ruined _everything_. The kiss that pulled Uruha away from him, and his laughter and his whispers. And the way he told Aoi he would come back for him, but he didn’t. The way he pushed the raven up against the counter and told him that no one could control _them_. The way he told Aoi he kissed him because he was too cute, the way Aoi felt like he was getting _married_ …

“What about that?” Aoi looks to the manager straight in the eye, feeling his emotions surging up all at once inside of him. Kai shoots a look to the manager quickly, and Aoi watches as they both exchange knowing glances, before cutting the topic short instantly.

“So, Aoi, we have to discuss about your behaviour recently during the recent lives – ”

“What about the kiss?” Aoi questions once more, his voice rising, and he feels Kai’s hand wrapping around his, trying to convince him to drop the subject, that now was not the time to ask these sort of questions. But no, the raven won’t have any of that. Not now, when he could get all his answers the way he wanted. He’d lost the love of his life, without being offered any resolution at all, and the days they put him through, uttering no more than a word or whisper to the other guitarist, being forced to pretend each other was non-existent… It _wasn’t_ fair. “You must have things to tell me, _right_? You can’t just leave things like that.”

The manager hesitates for a second. “Aoi, the point here _is_ your behaviour…”

“I’m like that because of the kiss,” The raven points out, and the room silences for a moment. “I don’t know anything, you _know_?” Funnily enough, he doesn’t feel an ounce of anger in him, just hurt and sadness overtaking him as usual. Usually he ended up like that during lives; happily strumming on his own, until he caught sight of Uruha prancing off to Ruki for fanservice, or Ruki initiating body contact with the blonde. It just _irked_ the raven to no end. He hated it. He _hated_ it! He _used_ to be there, and the kisses _used_ to be real. Uruha used to slip his tongue in for a slight moment, cheekily smiling, biting at Aoi’s lips, and promised more kisses when the whole thing was over. It wasn’t as if they didn’t love the fans, but their time on stage was so limited, and he knew everybody was watching. The whole world was watching, but he could only see Uruha on stage. And when he saw what used to be _his_ belong to someone else, it _frustrated_ him. You couldn’t blame his guitar smashing then.

“Aoi, drop it!” Kai yells, releasing the raven’s hands, and Aoi looks to him, surprised, then to the manager once more, pained looks shown on both their faces. Kai calms himself, sucking in a breath, then eyes the rhythm guitarist carefully, in a lower tone. “That was a year ago.”

“That’s funny.” Aoi looks to his hands, admiring the veins that adorned his palms. How did it feel like when Uruha held them in his? “It felt just like yesterday when everyone left me in the dark.”

It’s silent again, and the manager decides not to pursue the matter further, knowing this was leading to something no one wanted to go to. “I’ll let you off this time, Aoi, but _please_ – will you be happier during lives? Half the time you look as if someone died.”

 _That must be me._ Aoi keeps his thoughts to himself, and nods, knowing the subject of the kiss was to be dropped. Fine, if no one wanted to tell him anything. Fine, if they wanted to treat Aoi like the child here, playing an adult make-believe game. He stiffens when the manager strides past him, and he mentally plays the chords to Chizuru once more in his mind, clinging on to the memory of Uruha’s voice in his ear. _Good luck_. To what? Maybe he had just been playing a joke on Aoi. Maybe he was mocking him. Maybe he liked to see Aoi break, like this, faltering without him. He must have known how much he meant to Aoi. He _must_ have. It must be joy to see the raven crumble to pieces in front of him. How could the Uruha _before_ that had loved him _so_ much turn into someone who barely cared for the raven? They must have swapped the blonde for someone else, they must have. People don’t just change like that; people don’t change overnight.

“Aoi, are you okay?” He feels Kai’s comforting hand on his back, and he shrugs it off, shaking his head. Aoi feels numb to the core, and he doesn’t know if he’s fit for any emotions now, or any longer. He doesn’t know how to feel, anyway. He lost that ages ago.

“I guess it’s my fault.” Aoi cocks his head to the side, reaching for the door knob. “Let’s just go back, ne?” Maybe Uruha might speak to him again.

“You don’t need him to survive,” Kai says, and Aoi halts for a moment. The band hadn’t discussed Aoi and Uruha’s break up openly in front of them, nor uttered a word to each other, or at least – not in Aoi’s presence, but it always felt like everyone knew what was going on and why Uruha did it _except_ for Aoi himself. That’s what made _now_ so special; Kai confronting Aoi so readily like this. “You stare at him all the time during band practice, I notice.”

No. _Not good_. If Aoi talked too much about emotions and how much he missed Uruha, he would _break_. Right now. Right in front of Kai. And he couldn’t, he knew. He hadn’t, for so long, and he can’t, now. Not without the arms of Uruha. Not with Kai. “I just check on our coordination.” But Aoi’s slightly embarrassed, knowing that the band leader had noticed his favourite habit of his. He thought he had been discreet enough.

Kai heaves a sigh, then pulls the door open, taking a step forward. “He stares at you too, you know.”

Aoi’s heart skips. “Huh?” _Impossible_. Aoi _would_ know. And even though there were some hits and misses when it came to this staring game of theirs – Aoi would catch Uruha looking to him sometimes – but mostly it was just Aoi being his usual, desperate self.

“When you’re not looking.” Kai looks to the distance. “Which is rare, but he _knows_ when you’re not. He knows you’re staring, that’s why he doesn’t look back to you. But then you look away, and he looks to you, and I wonder if you ever notice.”

Aoi bites his lip, trying to hide his smile. “You’re making this up.”

“Maybe you should ask him, sometime.”

“About this?” Aoi widens his eyes. “That’s…”

“No, I mean…” Kai turns slowly to meet Aoi’s confused face. “The kiss. Maybe you should ask him, yourself.”

_Why can't I just talk to him? Hm, there's nothing to talk about. And he always looks like he's having fun talking with everyone else. I'm thinking, "That's not fair" (laugh)._

~

_BAYFM ON8 SPECIAL w/ the GazettE_

_circa. 2009_

“Everyone from the GazettE are guys. That’s right! Each of them are male! It’s normal that they have this one word they want to hear girls say to them, right?” The radio host is unnaturally enthusiastic, and Aoi can tell the rest of the band members are terribly uncomfortable with having to be put through _this_ so early in the morning. He amuses himself with looking past their expressions, and he guesses he’s probably the most energetic one today. There’s a group of fangirls waiting opposite their interview room, and he can feel all eyes on him once more, though the rest of Gazette seem to half ignore that fact. “That one word, you guys have it, right?”

“Of course we have!” Oh. Did he sound too enthusiastic? Well, he _knows_ what words he would want Uruha to say to him… Ruki on his left looks to him strangely, and Kai on his right laughs a little at him. Even the lady host giggles at his attempt to liven up the dead atmosphere.

“You’re really into this, eh? They have one!”

“Yep…” Aoi doesn’t even know why he’s still talking, and all attention is drawn to him immediately, scrutinising his every thought. He looks to Uruha, and he’s almost offended that the sunglasses donning blonde seems to be ignoring his attempts to speak.

“Right! Today is the time for Gazetto! What one word would you want to hear from a girl? Please tell us~ Guys! It’s time to work your magic! Can you do it?”

“I’ll try my best…” Aoi says, still staring blatantly at the blonde, half wondering what the lead guitarist is thinking. Is he asleep behind those dark sunglasses, or is he listening to Aoi, too?

“Well then, first… Let’s have Ruki-san!”

The host’s voice drones on, and Aoi temporarily mutes her voice in the background, losing himself in his thoughts once more, pondering over the day’s events. Well, first they would have this radio interview, then head back to the studio for more practice, then head home by night. Maybe they would be held back by the fangirls for an autograph session, too. Well, Aoi isn’t really sure; he just needs to keep himself preoccupied with his thoughts, before he resumes his daily worshipping of Uruha’s face.

“Now it’s Uruha-san’s turn! What’s that one word that you want a girl to say to you?”

Aoi’s ears perk up at the radio host’s voice; it was Uruha’s turn, _already_? He _needed_ to hear this. He doesn’t even realise he’s smiling, leaning in closer to the blonde’s direction, eyeing him happily. Uruha seems to be caught off-guard by the question, too, and leans back in his seat as he waits for his cue to answer.

“Amazing.” The blonde answers, simply, and Aoi looks to him, his eyebrow raised. Amazing? Well, Aoi didn’t know that before.

“That’s _amazing_! Then, when would be the best time for a girl to say it?”

“Ah, I’d be happy if someone says to me ‘thank you’ or ‘cool’, but… if someone says I’m amazing… That person must’ve been astonished by something I did… Or else they wouldn’t have said it.” Uruha looks reluctant to answer, and Aoi knows how much he hates interviews like these, and the raven gushes to himself how adorable the blonde looks like this, uncomfortable and unwilling. “Well… they could say it during lives, o-or… when, whatever I’m doing at that time seems cool… or… whenever.”

“Oh, well, you just told us _when_ someone should tell you that. But… what if _Aoi-san_ says it to you?”

…

…

…

“What the – ”

Aoi doesn’t even have time to think, or respond, and he blinks, his mouth falling. Did she _just –_

The raven’s eyes dilating, he snaps his head to the half-laughing lady host at the side. Oh my _god_. What kind of question was that?! How would Uruha even reply – Aoi cringes, wishing there was some hole in the ground he could bury himself in right now. What _confrontation_ was this?! God _damn_ fangirls and their fujoshi-like behaviour…

“Ah~ I didn’t mean it like that!” The host laughs, and Aoi notices the sides of Uruha’s lips curving into a wry smile. _Huh_?

“It’s okay, we get it.” Uruha smiles, almost comfortingly, and the raven hides his flaming face, and his beating heart. What did the blonde _mean_? Did he… Aoi can’t help himself smiling, too, seeing his ex-lover grin like that.

“I apologise! Don’t get me wrong, okay?” The host doesn’t even sound the least bit _apologetic._

“It’s… _abit_ different… I guess,” Uruha’s laughing so shyly, and Aoi can’t help his smile widening; Uruha almost sounded like the _old_ Uruha before; the one that was afraid of Aoi’s response when he first confessed to the raven, the one that thought Aoi wouldn’t reciprocate his silent feelings.

 _How different_? Aoi wants to mouth and ask, but he decides to keep to himself, and bury this secret happiness further inside of him. He doesn’t even take note of the time after that; just watching the blonde laugh nervously and reply to the host as best as he could made Aoi feel like Uruha was back to before; and then maybe he could have Uruha back again. He still loved the blonde deeply; he really did. His every smile, his every chuckle; he just wanted so much to have that back again. _With_ him.

“And the last one, is Aoi-san~!”

“Yes!”

Aoi snaps back to attention quickly, realising they had finished Reita’s turn faster than expected.

“It’s your turn~” The lady host sings teasingly, and for some reason, he can feel Uruha’s eyes on him, _now_ , and he wonders why. “So, the one word that Aoi wants a girl to say to you, is…?”

“I love you,” Aoi doesn’t hesitate, _at all_ , and he locks eyes with the blonde for a brief moment, sucking in a harsh breath. Uruha turns his head instantly, and Aoi’s heart sinks for a second. “Isn’t it such a lovely word? Isn’t ‘I love you’ just beautiful? It is, right?” Aoi wonders if Uruha can remember.

“But, but, will it still be lovely if Ruki-san used it to convey those certain feelings to you?” She was clearly trying to instigate more fanservice from them, but the raven didn’t mind. _Didn’t_ mind at all when the blonde was heavily ignoring him like this.

“Yea,” Aoi chirps, though his heart was silently breaking inside. _Fine_ , if Uruha wanted to play this game with him.

“Yep, you’re _right_. I’d be happy about it.”

~

_A strange feeling of distance? Yes, does it have to do with our group photos? (laugh)_

Band practice has ended, and it’s time for them to head home. Everyone’s beyond dead beat, and as usual, Uruha’s the first to leave, claiming he has to stop at the nearby convenience store to get some drinks first on his way home. Aoi stares at his fading figure, and it’s with a lingering look that he sighs and looks back to his palms, feeling more lonesome than usual. Reita seems to notice his fellow guitarist’s upset behaviour, and offers a ride out of concern, but the raven doesn’t accept, claiming he’s decided to take the long walk home today. Well, he had _a lot_ to think about anyway.

For some reason, he’s the second one out of the door, and when he shuts it back quietly, he realises the blonde is standing a distance from him, still lingering around the corridor. His heart drumming in his ears, he keeps his eyes back down to his ground, and wonders if he should pretend he’s forgotten something and return to the band room, or just pretend he hadn’t caught sight of the blonde and make his way casually past him. It feels almost as if Uruha’s waiting for him, but Aoi can’t be too sure. Uruha never waited. Not before, not ever. So why _now_?

He gazes up to the blonde, and he watches as the lead guitarist’s cold eyes soften as they locked their gazes. Aoi grips his hands to himself, by his sides, and wonders what Uruha is doing again. Was he playing with him? This wasn’t funny, _at all_. What was… Before Aoi has the time to decipher the confusing blonde’s ways, Uruha has already turned his back to him, taking a step forward, slowly, as if waiting for the raven to follow. Aoi quickens his steps, and it’s only after he’s within reachable distance from the blonde that Uruha continues walking, throwing occasional glances to the raven behind him.

 _He was waiting for me_. Aoi realises, and for that, he’s almost heartwarmed, albeit still a bit confused. The raven wants so badly to say something, _anything_ , a word, but nothing can leave his lips, when all he wanted to do was _physical_ , not chat idly about things he didn’t care for anymore.

The silence is unnerving, but thankfully they’re out of the building before anyone catches them together, and Aoi wonders where Uruha is taking him. To get some drinks? Or… Aoi’s growing increasingly frustrated by the second, having no idea of what the blonde was planning to do with him. He’s always in the dark; and he’s always the one _being_ led on by Uruha, not the other way round. He admires how Uruha always seemingly knows what he’s doing, and his confidence and his charisma; but it just made the older guitarist so insecure at times. He _hated_ it. He hated how only Uruha could make him this way.

He barely registers where they’re going, and it’s only when the blonde pulls him into an alley that he’s alarmed by the sudden change of direction; usually the road to their homes was the _other_ side to take –

The raven’s pressed up against the wall in a second, the blonde’s lips lowering unto his so quickly, _so_ fast, Aoi’s sent into blank shock, his hands stiffening at his sides.

“Shhh,” Uruha murmurs, slightly above a whisper, his mouth trailing kisses to the sides of the raven’s cheek, his fingers reaching up to tug strands of Aoi’s hair behind his ears. Aoi can’t breathe, his breath caught in his throat, his eyes widened and his heart momentarily pausing for a moment. Was he _dreaming_? He’d waited for this for _ages_ , but now that it was really happening, he doesn’t _understand_ , and he feels as if he _shouldn’t_.

“What?” Aoi asks, voice shaky, though he’s leaning in to the blonde’s touch all the same. His fingers, his eyes, his smile; it’s all coming back to him, now, and it feels like it’s just like before; when Uruha didn’t give a care in the world about whatever happened to them. But _whatever_ had happened to them? Aoi’s eyes flutter to a close, Uruha’s lips against his ear, softly nibbling at the skin, the blonde’s hands reaching for the raven’s waist.

“I love you,” Uruha says, huskily, pressing himself deeper into the raven, and Aoi hitches a breath, his heart pounding in his chest. “You wanted to hear that from me, right?”

“What’s going on?” The raven’s trembling, and he wants _so_ badly to pull away from the blonde and demand an explanation for all that he’s been put through the past year, but he doesn’t, because he’s afraid if he does, the blonde will never touch him like this again. “You’re acting so strange.”

“Do you like Ruki?” Uruha snaps, his eyes hardening quickly. He withdraws from the raven, but his face is still near him, _too_ near, till Aoi can feel his hot breath upon his skin. What was _this_ all about? Did he like Ruki? _What_ was Uruha asking? Aoi _loved_ Uruha the most; and Uruha had to pretend to be stupid and _didn’t_ get it?! So, Uruha only spoke to Aoi when Aoi threatened him with petty things like _these_?

“Is that any of your concern?” Aoi hisses, pushing the blonde off. _Yes_ , he loved the blonde – but if he was just to be a toy, to be made used of like _this_ , something for Uruha to own, then he _wasn’t_ having any of that. “Why the fuck does it matter who I like?”

“Just _fucking_ answer me,” Uruha grits his teeth, returning to his ice cold behaviour from before. He’s slightly hurt by the push, Aoi can tell, his face showing disdain as if he _hadn’t_ expected Aoi to throw him off so easily like that. The blonde traps Aoi with his arms on both his sides on the wall, unwilling to let the raven out of his sight until he gets his _answer_.

“I don’t owe you anything,” Aoi says defiantly, casting his eyes away, because he knows if he stares back into Uruha’s eyes any longer, he’ll melt. The blonde’s hands curl into fists, and Aoi knows Uruha _hates_ being denied; they had been together for a brief period, afterall, the raven knows the blonde inside out; but he doesn’t mind. He really doesn’t. Uruha deserves _this_ anger, after all Aoi’s been through.

Uruha growls, lifting his body off the raven. “ _Slut_.”

Aoi’s heart stops, and unfamiliar anger coarses through his veins. _What_ did Uruha just call him? “What?”

“I said what I meant,” Uruha snaps, then takes a step back, looking to the raven with disgust. “Throwing yourself at people like this… Is your forte, isn’t it? Making people love you, then you stab at them like this.” _What_? Aoi widens his eyes. What the _fuck_ was Uruha saying? He had _no_ right to say that to Aoi. Not when Uruha had left Aoi and stabbed at him so violently before. Inside out. Aoi _stabbed_ Uruha? No, definitely not. Uruha fucking needed to get his fact straight before he went around accusing people like _this_.

“You left me,” Aoi’s voice is trembling, again, and he holds back the burning tears and heartache. “You left me, Uruha, did you know that?” No, of course Uruha wouldn’t know. Uruha hadn’t given a damn before, so why _now_? Why would he pretend to even _love_ Aoi, to even care who Aoi liked, or even made it his business regarding Aoi’s affairs… It just was too, _too_ confusing, and the raven doesn’t know what to think, how to feel, and he’s so hurt, and angry now – Uruha was calling him a _slut_? Aoi’s a _slut_? For waiting for Uruha all these while, waiting for him for _so_ long to come back to him? Really? Was that it? Was that how you defined _slut_? For someone who refused to allow his hopes to be dashed, who only wanted reciprocation, who only wanted his lover back? Well, _then_. If that was what a slut was, then go ahead and call Aoi that. The raven didn’t mind. The raven lost any ounce of feeling since so long ago.

“I didn’t.” Uruha’s voice is softer, more patient.

“You did,” Aoi chokes out, his throat tight. “Why am I a _slut_ , ‘ruha? I waited for you for so long. I am still, but you seem to have forgotten everything from before, haven’t you?”

The blonde looks distraught for a second. “I didn’t.”

“Then why can’t you come back?” The raven’s eyes glisten, and he knows he sounds pathetic, he sounds needy and desperate, but that’s all he’s been feeling this while, and he doesn’t care how the blonde thinks of him anymore. “I feel as if they replaced you with another person, a new heart, someone that I can’t recognise anymore. I feel as if I’m an idiot, waiting for a miracle that will never happen. I’m pathetic, aren’t I? I wait for you every single day, and every single phonecall, but you don’t even care. And I still let you treat me like shit, as if you deserve to.”

Uruha lowers his gaze. “So, what do you want now? An apology?”

Aoi looks away. “Just go, if I didn’t mean anything to you, then. It was a year ago, we were young, feelings fade, it’s fine if you played me for awhile. I just need a conclusion, to know that this will all eventually end, to know when I can stop waiting.”

The blonde’s eyes falter, looking to the raven uncertainly. “Aoi…”

“If you can’t come back, don’t bother.” Aoi wipes at his eyes, and as the lead guitarist reaches a hand comfortingly to him, the raven slaps it away, watching his heart shattering into a million pieces right in front of his eyes.

“I…” Uruha shuts his eyes, inhaling in a deep breath. “I can’t, Aoi.”

“What did they tell you?” The raven looks to him, fearfully. “They told you _something_ , didn’t they? You can’t just leave me like this. Don’t I mean anything?”

“You mean the world to me,” The blonde whispers, his face falling. He reaches for the raven, wounding his arms tightly around the rhythm guitarist, and feels Aoi sinking against his chest, his face burying deeply into him. Suddenly it feels like nothing has changed from before; and Aoi wants so much to cling to this part of Uruha to him, to hear his beating chest, to feel his drumming heart. He flutters his eyes close, the blonde’s fingers gently running through his hair, his soft lips above his head. “You mean _so_ much, Aoi.”

“I miss you,” Aoi sobs, and Uruha feels his heart ripping into shreds. “I miss you so much, Uruha.”

“I can’t let them take you away from me,” Uruha’s eyes darken, his grip tightening around the raven. “I just thought… I wasn’t good for you.”

“What _good_?” The raven glances to the blonde, his fingers caressing past his face. Uruha’s cheeks are hollow and gaunt, and they’re so different from before, when he used to burst with life. But Aoi’s in love with him all the same; Aoi can’t let him go. Not now, not ever. “You’re perfect.”

“I hate it,” Uruha confesses, his tone bitter. “I hate _this_.”

“Hate what?” Aoi blinks, his heart thumping. “What do you hate, Uruha?”

“Me.” The lead guitarist looks back down. “I hate _me_.” And Aoi hates it when Uruha’s like this; _so_ complicated, _so_ unfathomable. A thousand emotions pass his face, but Aoi can’t decipher any, and his eyes are so conflicted, so hidden, so secretive. Aoi wonders just how much Uruha is keeping from him; and he wonders just how much it’s hurting the blonde from the inside, and how it maybe hurt Uruha even more than the raven combined.

“Can we start over, _please_.” Uruha asks weakly, his voice quivering. “Maybe not as lovers, but as friends. And _they_ can’t do anything about it. Nor can Ruki, nor can anyone else. I don’t know where this might lead to, but as long as it’s with you, I’ll be fine.”

“Uruha…” Aoi gazes up to the blonde. “You’re so difficult, you know that?”

The blonde stifles a chuckle, in the midst of his weak, trembling stature. “I know. But I love you… if that makes a difference.”

The raven’s lips curve into a soft smile. “I love you, too.”

 _A strange feeling of distance? Yeah… But I guess he's within reachable distance._  
  
~

_neo genesis 44_

_circa. march 2010_

**– Aoi, what do you feel about the costumes?**

**Aoi** : The brand new costumes make me murderous, you know.

**– (laughs) Continuing with Uruha, it’s somewhat like how he fusses over exposing his legs.**

**Aoi** : (laughs) But this is different from showing legs, you know. I mean, if you look we~ll, they may be visible, because the material of the cloth is thin in places. It’s a lot like the peeks (a stripper teases with).

**– Basically it’s the sexiness, isn’t it, even though it’s of different types (laughs).**

**Aoi** : Yes. That’s why I’m careful about the extent to which I can get aggressive. Something like, up till where should I unbutton.  
 **Uruha:** And ending up unbuttoning all the way while you’re at it, I guess (laughs).

**– Don’t the fans also end up expecting it then? What is your impression of what the other represents?**

**Uruha** : You have a really slender waistline, don’t you, Aoi? I think it’s wonderful the way it’s always strapped around.  
 **Aoi** : No, that’s just... It’s not actually a stray matter, I do it because when I’m onstage I store my energy in me, just in case (I need it there).  
 **Uruha** : (laughs) But really, it doesn’t look tough or anything. It’s just very clear how tight it is.

**– So, the Gazette’s pre-production takes place at Aoi’s house with everybody gathered there.**

**Aoi** : Yes. He (Uruha) would never visit my place. Even if I called him, he wouldn’t oblige…  
 **Uruha** : (laughs) That’s because even if you called, I had no choice!  
 **Aoi** : Even if he asked “Come over today?”… He goes ‘I can’t come, once I’ve gotten into the ofuro (Japanese-style bathtub)’, or, on the contrary, ‘I feel gloomy’.

**– For the beautiful body... What would he go to your place for anyway? (laughs)**

_… A brand new friendship is starting…_

_to be continued._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Credit:**[BAYFMON8](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWQgoQJynRs&feature=youtube_gdata), [NEOGENESIS44](http://duckytranslations.blogspot.sg/2010/03/neo-genesis-volume-44-uruha-aoi.html?zx=6c8a9425a5c06da9), [MUSIQAOINTERVIEW](http://astraphile.livejournal.com/2173.html) (quotes by Aoi in italics)
> 
> Underestimated the amount of Aoiha material I had on my hands (which is a good thing considering Aoiha has this long history waiting to be written ugh I could publish a book)...

**Author's Note:**

> Friendly reminder all of these are real (adorable) events that has happened - as described in interviews. :)


End file.
